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Posted on: April 3, 2020

It’s not how I expected it would be. It’s not like I thought.

I don’t understand. The bitter pain of disappointment seems to pierce my soul with doubt.  I was so sure I had heard from you. But maybe I didn’t? So, do I trust what I don’t understand? Or do I trust you? Do I keep on wrestling? Or do I stop and remind myself who you are?

You are the God who made the heavens and the earth. Look at what you’ve done! And as I consider your awesome might, this thing that seems to weigh so heavy, suddenly seems a little lighter. If you can do all that with the sound of your voice, how much more can you direct this issue of mine?

So, I lay down what I hoped, imagined and planned in my own mind. I submit it before you. And as I do, there it is – the breath of God. Your strength, your nearness, your presence falling upon me. And slowly I lift my head, still shaky at first. But as your smile falls on me, my backbone seems to strengthen, my shoulders go back and I open my heart even wider. Here you are.

As I see you again, you’re piercing my heart. You’re looking right at me with eyes of furious fiery besotted love. And I’m reminded, you want nothing but the best for me. Like a small child who’s just been reassured, ‘don’t worry, Daddy’s got this’. I can breathe again, resting deep within your protective arms. I came to you wanting an answer. Your answer was your presence. Your presence is my medicine. I still don’t understand, but here with you, I don’t need to. Because I know you do. As this seeps into the deepest part of me, the disappointment melts away. And with it, the bondage that held it so tight. I am free. Free with you. Free in you.


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